Pat Robertson is back. This time he is revealing how God told him the name of the next president. Robertson, however, is not going to reveal the name. It appears that he is the only viewer on God’s cable punditry channel. Robertson explained “I think He showed me about the next president, but I’m not supposed to talk about that so I’ll leave you in the dark — probably just as well — but I think I know who it’s gonna be.”
While I normally accept every divine channeling brought to me through the body of Pat Robertson, my faith is a bit shaken by the fact that God told Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Perry to run. Indeed, Perry is claiming that it is up to God whether he continues past Iowa. That record may be the reason God has not been able to land a pundit contract on Fox or MSNBC. Indeed, Robertson himself was spiritually directed to run in 1988.
By the way, Robertson also eliminated a few disasters for his favorite and recurring theme: our imminent destruction. It turns out the cause is a president who does not reflect the majority’s views. God is not only vengeful but topical.
Here is what God said (and apparently allowed Robertson to release to the public). It turns out that God sounds a lot like Sean Hannity with a slightly deeper voice:
“Your country will be torn apart by internal stress. A house divided cannot stand. Your president holds a radical view of the direction of your country which is at odds with the majority. Expect chaos and paralysis. Your president holds a view which is at the odds with the majority — it’s a radical view of the future of this country, and so that’s why we’re having this division. This is a spiritual battle which can only be won by overwhelming prayer. The future of the world is at stake because if America falls, there’s no longer a strong champion of freedom and a champion of the oppressed of the world. There must be an urgent call to prayer.”
The message could not be more clear or more divine: defeat Obama or burn in the flames of apocalyptic anger.