Orange You Glad I Missed? Florida Man Arrested For Aggravated Assault With Orange

William Wink insists that he was just trying to throw away a rotten orange to the squirrels from his balcony. However, when the orange landed a few feet from a construction worker, he looked up and saw Wink in his boxer shorts. Wink, 68, was arrested for aggravated assault with an orange.

Wink was a former school teacher and a former political candidate before he became a citrus felon. He insisted the orange was “squishy” and wanted to “give it to the birds and the squirrels. I just lobbed it over the edge.”

However, the police investigated and concluded “the orange was found not rotten but ripe.” Call it CSI Florida.

So let me try to recap. Wink threw an orange that did not hit anyone, but was charged as aggravated assault because it was only ripe but not rotten.

Here is the Florida criminal provision:

784.021 Aggravated assault.–
(1) An “aggravated assault” is an assault:
(a) With a deadly weapon without intent to kill; or
(b) With an intent to commit a felony.
(2) Whoever commits an aggravated assault shall be guilty of a felony of the third degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084.

Since an orange is not a deadly weapon to anything other than a cold, there must be an intent to commit a felony, but what is the felony? If the felony is battery with an orange, it becomes rather circular. I suppose if his boxers were Fruit of the Loom, he might be charged with terroristic threats of additional citrus attacks.

I am curious about the chain of custody on the orange. Since the arrest appeared to turn on condition of the orange, did the police preserve the weapon for defense examination? The condition of the orange could also turn on differences in what constitutes “squishy.” For example, I am notorious for disliking soft fruit. On a jury, I would likely be inclined to view fruit as “squishy” at a point much earlier than Port Lucie officer. Would I be struck on voir dire for my hard fruit bias?

Wink ran for St. Lucie Property Appraiser and shown in this video. Port Lucie has been a font of stories for this blog (here and here and here and here and here, here, and here).

Source: WPBF as first seen on Reddit

29 thoughts on “Orange You Glad I Missed? Florida Man Arrested For Aggravated Assault With Orange”

  1. All the construction workers I know would have pulled out a bottle of champagne and had a nutritious break.

  2. floriduh rules fighting

    if somebody throws an orange at you, you come at him with a grapefruit

    if somebody comes at you with a grapefruit, you hit him with a pineapple

    if somebody hits you with a pineapple, you steal their handicap placard.

  3. The outcome of this case revolves around the question: Was Bob the Builder wearing a hoodie? If he wasn’t wearing a hoodie, then there is no possibility of a plea of “Self-defense” by Wink.

    The other key to the outcome is whether Wink was, indeed, wearing Fruit-of-the-Loom boxer shorts. As we all know, F-O-T-L boxer shorts are made in the Fallen Domino Evil Empire Communist Hellhole of Vietnam. This would raise the question of whether Wink is a Card-Carrying Commie, or just a Fellow Traveller. And was Wink carrying atomic bomb secrets in his shorts or were they hidden in a hollowed-out pumpkin? Was the pumpkin fresh or squishy? This introduces a second fruit into the case that would hopelessly deadlock the jury and make it impossible to reach a verdict.

    Case dismissed!

  4. He should have claimed self defense. The construction worker was intimidating and suspicious looking, thus Agent Orange wanted to stand his ground.

  5. Is this the joke of the day? The cops in FL seem to have gone off the deep end. Is it something in the water?

    Construction worker, “Hey, watch what you’re doing.”
    Wink, “Sorry, I didn’t see you there. Just trying to feed the squirrel.”
    Construction worker, “Well, watch it next time.”

    End of story in a civilized community. Unless, of course, Wink really was trying to hit the construction worker and missed. Then,

    Construction worker, “Na, Na, Na, Na, Na. Missed you dirty witch.”
    Wink, “Just a minute while I reload.”

  6. Don’t the cops have anything better to do in Florida? Like investigating “stand your ground” murders?

  7. It’s Florida, where every orange is sacred. And it didn’t have to be registered, either.

  8. ST,

    Thanks for the second good chuckle of the day and for working a Fight Club reference into that bit of funny. 😀

    The first good chuckle of the day was the ridiculous nature of this charge. If I were in the DA’s office and the cops brought this nonsense to me for prosectuion? Let’s just say there would be a stern talking to (read: severe ass chewing).

  9. just another example of the feminization of the American male. 60 years ago if a construction worker thought the guy was targeting him with an orange he would have climbed up the balcony and given him a good “talking to”.

  10. If our 68-year-old defendant could throw an orange hard enough to constitute it as a deadly weapon, he needs a try out with the Miami Marlins, not a felony charge. Dumb charge.

  11. Great poem HenMan! This orange flinging monster is lucky the worker was not armed. He could have shot Wink under the Stand your ground law!

  12. While the reaction to the orange might seem to be completely OTT, there is a simple explanation.

    There is a common assumption that construction workers are all macho male men. Their whistling at passing pretty girls, their ‘Navy Seal’ type safety equipment and tool harnesses contribute to this image.

    The truth is that they are all deeply sensitive and largely insecure. A piece of fruit landing a few feet away is a challenge to their constructed self-image on all sorts of levels.

    There is an aspect to the story that is not overtly mentioned, but yet is at the core and explains the intensity of the response.
    The hint is in the words “he looked up and saw Wink in his boxer shorts”.
    It’s not “looked up and saw Wink” (thus enabling him to identify the thrower). It’s “in his boxer shorts”.

    It’s a open secret within the construction industry that the workers are near-universally madly gay. In his seminal study of the phenomenon, Dr. Carambola Pomengranete attributed this to the straps, buckles, ropes and variety of equipment filling construction sites. “Zis es lik bezzz to hunny” he says.
    There is more to ‘plumber’s crack/working_man’s_smile’ then is apparent to the general world.
    Closed union meetings are homosexual orgies that commonly involve items of fruit.
    Wink throwing an orange at someone is something that can be understood by any construction worker.
    Doing that in public is pushing the limits.
    Doing that in public *while wearing only boxer shorts* is not just ‘talking about fight club’. It’s practically shouting about it.

    Wink was whistle-blowing. Revealing the dark secrets of the contruction industry would deal a savage blow to the sense of security of the nation. The full might of law enforcement was rightly brought to bear on him.

  13. “Nothing Quite Rhymes With Orange” by HenMan

    There once was a man with an orange
    Who was wearing shorts with a torn edge
    He threw the squishy missle
    Past the construction worker it whistled
    And landed in the policeman’s porridge

  14. Tossing an orange from his balcony, and hitting no one? That’s not assault; that’s littering.

  15. This Sensei is as nutty as the law of man arresting a human because he tossed piece of fruit being seen in boxer shorts. What would they have done to him if he was naked?

Comments are closed.