Submitted by: Michael Spindell, guest blogger
“For when the One Great Scorer comes
To mark against your name,
He writes – not that you won or lost –
But how you played the Game.”
by Grantland Rice
How many of us grew up with the paraphrase of these words ringing in our ears as we participated in all of the competitions that humans partake in. These sentiments represented the epitome of humans engaging in fair contests, the object of which was defining dominance in a particular field and/or activity. We were all supposed to be “fair”, “play by the rules”, honor our opponents and most of all treat them with respect. Much of this was first defined in Western Culture by the Code of Chivalry which not only defined how men hacked each other to death on the battlefield, but also how they were to treat the “fairer” (weaker) sex. As the merchant class rose and nobility declined, Chivalry was subsumed in Western Culture by the notion of “fair play”. That all of these concepts have been but hypocritical touchstones meant to add the veneer of human nobility, to human competition, is rarely admitted by those who promote competition for financial and/or political gain.
Thoughts of this came to me as I watched the Olympics this year, listening to the portentous palaver of the announcers, discussing the contests and the purported values behind them. Yes I felt tears of patriotic pride as Gabby Douglas won the gymnastics Gold Medal, but I also saw the pain on the face of Viktoria Komova, who “only” won the Silver Medal. Implicit was that the Russian gymnast had failed in her quest and that she would forever be marked by this failure. This is the hypocritical dichotomy that is pursued in all avenues of competitive human endeavor when reported upon by the media.
Humanity reached the top of the “food chain” by defeating the competition over eons of strife with other fierce predators. While there are still valid arguments on each side of the question as to how human society developed, whether in a spirit of cooperation, or as a rigid imposition of the will of the “leader”, we cannot question that we attained our status because of our predatory talents. Once the “order” of society was imposed humanity began to learn to sublimate battles to the death for proof of supremacy, into “contests” of talent. We learned to sort out our “hierarchy” through these contests and indeed they have developed into a wide range of competitions that most of us use to determine our places in the world. This is not a controversial idea, but even so I would like to take a step back from it and look at the obvious background of human competition that is missed as we “crown” our champions and pity those who could not measure up. The Olympic Movement is a very problematic one. I could go into its mixed history of bigotry, commercialism, deception and tragedy, but that is perhaps for another time.
What I want to explore is the short shrift given by the media to the incredible individual efforts made by so many people who have dedicated their lives to attaining the worldwide stage that the Olympics represent and yet have fallen short of being able to participate, much less attain medals. Since attaining its worldwide popularity the Olympics has bred the spirit of competition in various fields in all corners of the world. For events like gymnastics, or swimming, to even begin to think of getting to the Olympics requires a dedication in early childhood to endless hours of practice and competition on all levels. This is actually true of success in all sports and as the dedicated child grows the competition begins to “weed” out those who lack the talents and/or dedication to their chosen competitive field.
An eight year old that has beaten all those in her county at swim meets finds herself finishing last in a Statewide competition. She might shrug off that defeat and redouble her training efforts, possibly increasing her talents to the point that by High School she has become competitive Statewide, or she may simply adjust to the possibility that the “Olympic Dream” is not possible for her and go on to pursue other avenues towards her personal vision of success. Is only being the best swimmer in ones’ county a failure?
No one would have ever, at any stage of my life, have confused me with being an athlete. Yet I spent much of my childhood participating in all kinds of sports, though never on an organized basis. I have my memories of triumphs and my memories of defeats. I spent hours in solitary practice sessions learning to throw and field a ball off a brick wall. My place in the pecking order was determined in “pick-up” ball games, since I was always chosen near to last. As much as I desired to be considered “good” among my peers, I came to realize that for me being considered “fair” was a triumph. What of those I played with who were the “Captains” choosing, or the first choices? Some went on I suppose to play organized baseball in High School but none ever made it in college sports, or went on to play professionally. This is as it is for most people who engage in competition on all levels. It is but a special few that rise to the point where they can represent their nation on the world stage.
The question remaining in my mind, as these games draw to their conclusion, is whether those “losers” feel satisfaction in the fact that even though they’ve achieved no medals, their lifetime of effort was worth it? Do we really live in a world where it only matters “how you played the game”, or is it that only “winning” that counts? When you start so young to dedicate yourself to the achievement of success in sport does “failing” leave you with emptiness and recriminations?
Aside from sports our particular American culture is one that worships perceived “success”. This success can range from tangible achievements in given fields, the amassing of great wealth, political office, academic recognition and/or simply being born into a notable family. With the advent of the mass media we see that even appearing briefly on television can turn someone of little accomplishment into a “celebrity”. Jonathan Turley, the creator of this blog is a legitimate “celebrity”. He appears regularly on TV, is renowned for his championing of the Constitution via both the courts and in the press. To all of us who sojourn here, he is well-deservedly famous and a figure of respect for all that he has accomplished. Yet with it all, Professor Turley is nowhere near as famous a celebrity as the “Octomom”, Paris Hilton, or the Kardashian family. With respect to the Kardashian’s, remember it was their patriarch, the lawyer Robert Kardashian, who put them into a position to achieve fame by being O.J. Simpson’s original attorney in the murder case. In the Celebrity Fame Game, all that our Professor has going for him is defending a family made famous by being polygamous on a reality show. The quite tangible accomplishments of his career are well recognized by his peers, his students and his followers, yet it is doubtful that he will ever be offered his own “reality” show, or even discussed on “Entertainment Tonight”.
At my advanced age, I can truthfully say that I look back on my life so far as a successful one. In my own particular terms I’ve played the game well, despite lack of wealth, celebrity and/or outside recognition of achievement. Perhaps though I was never driven, or drove myself to achieve anything more than a woman to love and the fulfillment of children resulting from that love. To be perfectly honest I’ve always had an arrogance about myself to the extent that I’ve always liked and believed in me, so I’ve never really cared what other people thought of me. I would hope that most people would feel that way about themselves, but my training and my career have shown that not to be the case. When I see a sixteen year old singer in front of millions of people on “American Idol” saying that winning that contest is the most important thing in their life, I believe that singer and I grieve for that singer. I understand now that outward trappings of success often mask inner pangs of longing that will never find solace, or peace.
This is then my tribute to all of those whose losses the mass media culture decries as failure. In my opinion it is “how you play the game”, since in the end as mortal beings there is little comfort in the immortality of records, money or other achievements. Perhaps it is that belief though that has ensured my lack of outward fame, wealth and celebrity. If only I tried harder, dedicated myself more and refused to accept losing I could have been a contender. Since I’ve already admitted my arrogance in not caring about your judgment of me, perhaps you might give your own judgment of yourself, or whether you think playing the game well, is just as good as winning.
Submitted by: Mike Spindell, guest blogger
Mutely, Exit.
in my neighborhood we had pick up games of baseball. Players were 6-17 or 18. The older players made sure the teams were fairly evenly matched and made sure the younger players had their good moments. Individual skills were considered in balancing the teams. No one was left out. You show up, you play. Team sizes varied depending on how many showed up. Evening play sometimes included kick the can with many of the same players. For those who haven’t played, kick the can requires one can that can easily be kicked. It’s a form of hide and seek. The person who is “it”. steps on the can to call someone out. Those caught have to wait for someone to run in and kick the can, freeing all. The older kids sometimes ended up being really slow, so slow that the little ones were able to kick the can to their great joy. Hours of fun.
Slarts,
my head is spinning, straining, stretching & snoozing!
raff,
We’re having a pickup game of alliteration as you speak… (regrets regarding remissions re: routine, raff).
nick,
“those days” are over only if you allow them to be over. pickup games are still happening in many areas with young and old partcipating. There are more rigid and structrured sport choices now, but the neighborhood games are still happening in my neighborhood.
Blouise busts balls benevolently, barebreasting border to border, bouncing from belly to belly, bestrewing her glances, and buckboarding the beetle-browed Ryan-enabled attackers.
Idealistic intervention isn’t immediately indicated—instances of inverted intentions immanently impend.
This Swamp is full of holes, snakes, frogs, and I lost my compass. At least no fear of meeting Crisco “crackers” here. My butt is safe. But what else is to be feared.
Slaert,
Alliteration? You should have heard the one I did last night on variations on re-. It was a letter on a subject, thus constrained to making sense and attaining a goal. Dear me. Not so sure I would do well in a match. Might be inhibeted by the challenge.
Try me next time.
TonyC.
Taking a chance—–that my knowing the spit would hit the spittoon, the tossed folded newspaper would hit the 3×5 porch, that the paper ball the wastepaper basket, the tennis stroke that gives a winner—–was a loser with you. You have more important talents. Mine includes intuitive “feeling” and ranking of most things: art, music as the composer meant, words as a genius would write, but emotions are still foreign ground.
Of course, only some of us experience the groove. And what the hell is that worth. Just a warm feeling and how long does that last.
Getting over losses? Some never learned that. Myself included. Working on it now. Got confirmation on one technique from Malisha’s son yesterday.
Life should be built on positive reinforcement, not just retention and potentiation of the negative.
I’ll tell sometime the story of the two year old I watched with his mamma two weeks ago. Kids are instructive to those who need to learn.
Blouise,
If you’re going to play the sock puppet game, you’ve got to change your avatar…
“Blouise and I were having a couple of days ago—fun was had by all even if no one knows who won… ” (slarti)
Blouise booted brat’s butt.
@Idealist: I did not know I would hit the bullseye; my friends knew it was no certainty either; hence their reaction when I hit it. This was my early college days; and at the moment, having just won a few games in a row against my friends, I was challenged by a stranger in the joint that irked me. Testosterone got the better of me, and led to this pretty dumb bet, on my part. But once his money was on the table, I would rather miss than back down, so… throw.
My point may not have been clear. Although I do highly value “how you play the game,” I do not think life is about that. I do think life is about those pinnacle moments, which is not exclusively moments of competition, but obviously does include winning moments.
There is a little “sleight of mind,” here, a way of thinking. I really do think the losing moments are forgettable and can be put behind us, I really do believe that our losses fade faster and fade more completely than our victories do. Because of that, I do not think of competition as being a zero-sum game, that winning is the exact opposite of losing. Because after some time, the joy of winning can still shine like new while the pain of defeat has evaporated for the losers. In any given person, after time, their bright points of victory shine and their losses will have faded into the background, lost or barely recognizable.
Read the story about my nephew. Thirty years later, his joy at beating four guys twice his age is still there, he still takes pride in it. Whatever pain or shock or embarrassment they may have felt at being defeated by a fifth grader was gone before the game was even over. If they even remember it, it is probably a memory of an unexpectedly stellar performance by a prodigy, not a memory of a personal loss.
I cannot tell you how many poker hands I have lost in Vegas, because I literally do not recall them. But I do recall some notable wins. I was once dealt two aces in the hole and an ace up in seven card stud. I once beat trip kings with a fives and threes full house. I once drew three cards to a king jack and unexpectedly filled a king high straight.
If I play the game of life unfairly, I feel like a thief, and that gives me no happiness. (Some people do take joy in thievery, and they must be guarded against.) So for me, fair play is a given, I do not want regrets or guilt, I do not want to feel like a fraud or a criminal or even a heartless greedy jerk. I am okay with losing to avoid those feelings, because (again) I know losses fade.
That said, to me it is still the pinnacle moments and wins that matter. It is still true that for wins to matter a lot, the odds of winning must be low, so the ratio of losers to winners must be high. That means the odds are that you aren’t the winner in any given round, even if the round is very important to you. But if you have the chance to take the prize you should try, because the win can last forever, and the disappointment of loss will fade relatively quickly; other pinnacle moments will overshadow it.
I think it is important to know up front that if you lose there are plenty of other moments waiting for you to collect them, no single moment has enough meaning to define you. For example, consider Michael Phelps. If his Olympic career is truly over, are all of his “moments” behind him now? I should hope not. I hope for Phelps that, in his mind, he has victories and moments even more important to him than what he has accomplished in the Olympics. it may be business success, romantic success, parental success, the specifics do not matter, but I would hope that any Olympian does not spend their life reveling in their past, and does not spend their life regretting their biggest losses.
The same goes for anybody, in fact. Polish your trophies (literally or metaphorically), forget (or at least get over) your losses and be happy. Then ante up, there is another awesome hand waiting for you.
(Posted a second time to avoid moderation).
Idealist707 wrote: “…Topical, typical but atypical, temporal, turbulent, tremulous, terrific, tangential to all…”
You should have joined the aliteration competition Blouise and I were having a couple of days ago—fun was had by all even if no one knows who won… 😉
The Olympic managing hero, who “did it better than London” did, would play the game thusly:
(Robert Reich, emphasis added). Social Darwinism, it’s not just for your grandpa anymore.
That is how many want to “play the game”.
Mike, I’m new here and so let me say thanks to the selfless person who gave you a heart. Just knowing you’re a transplant recipient tells me you have an elevated sense of what is truly important, and gives me an even better understanding of this post.
You touched on a very important point when you discussed pickup games. That is almost extinct except for inner city basketball. Growing up in the 50’s/60’s for every hour of organized sport I probably played 100 hours of pickup baseball, football and basketball games. Since I loved playing[not just competing Malisha, but also playing] I was the organizer. On a personal level it required an introvert as I am to come out of my comfort zone and knock on doors getting kids to play. I got to know what kids would play in the morning, afternoon, and evening. I would play all day. It meant knowing who had a bat, balls, extra gloves, etc. It meant making new rules if there weren’t enough for two teams. It meant negotiating balls, strikes and outs w/ the opposing team since there were no umps . You quickly learned who was honest and who wasn’t. Those skills were much more valuable than athletic skills. I know they were instrumental in helping me operate my own business for over 25 years. When I coached I tried to instill this in kids. I would allow them to take the team equipment. It was a quixotic effort. Those days are gone.
“Mike, I’m new here and so let me say thanks to the selfless person who gave you a heart.”
Nick,
Thank you. I share those sentiments about my donor and his family who have give me a longer life. You are correct it has changed my perspective on life to a great degree, especially heightening my already heightened sense of responsibility to work to heal the world.
Regarding the idea of pick up games and children learning to regulate their own play, I think that children today miss something by having their competitive play regulated by adults. I find it interesting that those of the “boomer” generation have become extremely controlling parents to the point where the affluent ones stand for having their children adjudged for pre-school. When I hear a parent of a Olympic athlete interviewed and saying that their child decide at age four that swimming (for instance) was their dream, I become quite skeptical as to whose dream is really being fulfilled. With my kids I’ve always felt that my job was to help them learn to make their own choices, rather than fulfill my expectations.
BettyKath,
Slartibartfast.
My memory works as it will.
Topical, typical but atypical, temporal, turbulent, tremulous, terrific, tangential to all. Good choice.
All will make their own “best” lists. And as GeneH said; Have something newly learned for the day.
So many gems here. First the article itself. Thanks, Mike.
Blouise, ” The day before the competition we asked the children about medals and they told us that everybody should get gold but the one who won each event should stand on a stool to accept his/her medal.”
Imagine, the adults asking the kids what they want. And the kids saying everyone should be recognized.
—-
Malisha’s son, “What happens when you like a prize better than you like yourself?”
Real insight at a time of disappointment.
—–
Mike S, “…guess what, most of those I play with are significantly better than me. So what, it’s still fun for me.”
I can relate. My golf game was always better (never good) when I played with those whose skill was greater than mine.
——-
Malisha, “Life is not counted in the number of breaths you take, but in the moments that take your breath away.”
——-
I can’t find it above but someone pointed out that the difference between the silver and bronze medalists is that the silver is disappointed in not getting the gold while the bronze is delighted to get a metal.
——-
And all the great stories. This is a really enjoyable thread.
What Gene said. I have known several athletes who did not quite make the cut for the Olympic team. They were awesome in their fields, and the fact they made it to the tryouts was quite an accomplishment in my eyes. One has to be world class in their sport to even be a finalist. Medals? Meh! It is a SPORT for crying out loud. Entertainment.
It is not like developing a cure for cancer or discovering the secret of cold fusion.
Excellent article, Mike. As you well know from previous discussions, as a child there were many lessons floating about in my environment, often expressed in favored maxims from my grandfather or other family members, that were formative such as “the only day truly wasted is the day you didn’t learn something new”. Another one of those maxims in the air was “it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, but how you play the game. However, winning is certainly nice.” When I asked questions about this (as I was prone to do about everything as a child, ad nauseum for the adults I’m sure), the refining comments I got were always along the lines of “if you did better than you did yesterday or did your best without excuse or learned something new or simply did the right thing as you know it in your heart, then you have won regardless of the score”. This lesson was instrumental in shaping my later acquired understanding of Sun Tzu’s advice regarding the shape of victory changing endlessly. Victory is where you find it and what it is depends as much on what is inside you as what you do and how you do it.
Mark me down for “how you play”, without reservation.
Silver? Bronze? You made it to the rarefied air of the Olympics and the requisite levels of performance required to get and stay there.
How can you not be a success for that accomplishment alone?
Being #1 is ego gratification, but it is usually no substantively greater accomplishment than a well-played #2 spot in the long run. If you are happy with yourself and in that you did the best you could given the circumstances? Then you did well and no one can ever take that from you.
OT OT OT
Leaving the mystical behind us, some would say you left if over to the autonomous body to control, disengaging muscle control, just following years of training.
But this way leaves the mind out of the circuit.
Thus others would say that you left control over to a seldom used, by you and I, part of the brain to do the job for us. We thus disengage all fears, motivations, bets, glory hopes, etc and leave it to “IT” to do the job, fully engaged as it can be.
Maybe Dredd has something, or our psychotherapist. et al.
TonyC.
Almost priceless even for us too.
First the positive or most loony depending on your view.
Some could say in their Zen world, that you had achieved, for the moment, the condition where you, the dart and the dart board were one—connected.
I wonder if proff athletes can confirm that feeling occuring. With all their hours of competing/training, it would likely be there to experience.
Sustaining it is even more of a problem. Your adopted brother’s session, a chess player’s hours long match, even the tennis players needs to enter and leave it or rather to modulate its intensity under a 5 hours match.
Some say painters do it. Some call it going with¨the flow and recount the immeasurable pleasure found there.
I have not studied it and welcome those who have and can go on with more.
But from all duffers of whatever sport we play, we have at some point, hopefully, experienced when the stroke felt incredibly solid and “right”. Haven’t we?
PS You “knew” when the dart left your hand that it would hit the bullseye. Or did you?
Life is not counted in the number of breaths you take, but in the moments that take your breath away.