Ukrainian “Expert Commission” Calls For Ban On SpongeBob For “Promotion of Homosexuality”

The ever-watchful folks at the Ukrainian Ukraine’s National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality are reportedly moving against another invasion “aimed at the destruction of the family, and the promotion of drugs and other vices.” His name is SpongeBob Squarepants. The popular Nickleodeon characterhas been found to “present a real threat to children” and is on a list of shows to be banned with The Simpsons, Family Guy, Futurama, Pokemon and The Telletubbies.

Before you go off and assume that this is just another example of government wackos trying to compel morality through senseless censorship, you need to remember that these are experts and that they have found SpongeBob’s hidden agenda of “promotion of homosexuality.” Ukraine will have SpongBob Straight Pants thank you very much.

The report published on the Catholic website “Family Under the Protection of the Holy Virgin” calls the show “a large-scale experiment on Ukrainian children” to “create criminals and perverts.” This is only slightly worse than the Teletubbies which send children into a trance and create “an imbecile who will sit near the screen with an open mouth and swallow any information.” As a teacher for almost 30 years I can attest to seeing the same phenomenon without the use of SpongeBob.

Of course, before one lambasts Ukraine, we should remember that our own religious leaders outed at least one Teletuddy years ago. Likewise, Thomas the Tank Engine was found in Canada to be a capitalist stooge.

My kids watch these programs and I can only imagine what I have done to them. Of course, when I turned on the news yesterday, the material was even more intellectually harmful. As SpongeBob would way, “Oh, Tartar Sauce.”

That is striking is that the report did not include this incriminating piece of evidence:

Source: WSJ

34 thoughts on “Ukrainian “Expert Commission” Calls For Ban On SpongeBob For “Promotion of Homosexuality””

  1. Clearly, the solution to make it appropriate for the Ukrainians would be to insert explicit heterosexual sex scenes into each episode, to ensure the children receive the correct education. 😉

  2. Hotsie, Totsie, I smell a Nazi. — Three Stooges. The Ukranians are gonna have to ban the Three Stooges. Especially Curley. Then they are gonna have to ban Clarabell. Perhaps when the Ukranians show up at Ellis Island and seek citizenship we should have them take a quiz on American humor. Or when the plane flies over on the way to Moscow the tenents in the head at that time can all flush at once.

  3. Otteray

    What a remarkable experience you must have had at Esalen and with those you mentioned. Not often is it a person can reflect on such experiences truly from their own point of view.

    I suppose this is one of the regrets of time, that is not being able to fully experience again what we had in the past since it is subject to fading memory. Coupled it is with the inability to fully recreate it physically.

    Looking as you have with your memories of the White Rabbit video and other cues of the past affords us some rememberance of those times but one of the struggles for me at least is I tend to view these with a measure of sadness in that there comes the realization that those times are lost and cannot be fully lived again. Though they can of course benefit us today.

    At the very least we can not take today for granted on not dwell on what cannot be.

  4. Otteray Scribe: “Darren, I had my epiphany when I saw this for the first time. That, and some time at Esalen with Fritz Perls helped. Alan Watts was there at the same time, among others.”

    🙂 Well, I hope that mushrooms or ergot derivatively were also involved. Or at least grapefruit.

  5. Darren, I had my epiphany when I saw this for the first time. That, and some time at Esalen with Fritz Perls helped. Alan Watts was there at the same time, among others. Funny in what tiny corners of the existential universe can you find great truths.

  6. Al,

    Had to look it up.

    “Most sponges are hermaphrodites as fertilization is internal in most species.”

    However, and this might interest Congressman Todd Akin, “some released sperm randomly float to another sponge with the water current.” I don’t know if that is “legitimate” rape or not.

  7. If you want to look for evil cartoon characters, try the Smurfs. No, really. Smurfs. Check it out.

  8. Russia would fall apart without vodka. It may take a few years away from their lives but it makes life in Russia somewhat bearable.
    The Mohammedans forbid booze totally and look what it’s done for them!!

  9. Blouise: “Gyges, And Patrick has no hands!!! And he’s pink!!!”

    Obviously Patrick is gay, and communist. And FABULOUS!


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