I’m Gonna Sit Right Down And Write Myself A Lawsuit: New Zealand Mall To Use Manilow Tunes to Punish Loitering Teens

220px-barrymanilowFor many months, denizens of this blog have mocked my crusade against exposure to Barry Manilow songs (Friends Don’t Let Friends Listen to Manilow). Now, the New Zealand city of Christchurch is going to play Manilow songs to drive off teenagers from a mall area.

Central City Business Association manager Paul Lonsdale: “The intention is to change the environment in a positive way … so nobody feels threatened or intimidated. I did not say Barry Manilow is a weapon of mass destruction.”

He obviously has never listened to Copacabana (at the copa) or I Write the Songs.

Obviously, the Eighth Amendment cannot apply to New Zealand but I am personally prepared to take the case of these teens to the World Court. Even the John Yoo memos rule out the use of Manilow interrogation techniques.

These teens must be prepared for the worst:

What’s a nice boy like me
Doin’ in a place that never closes?
I can hardly hear ya’
Holy moses Lookin’ so sad

For the full story, click here.

34 thoughts on “I’m Gonna Sit Right Down And Write Myself A Lawsuit: New Zealand Mall To Use Manilow Tunes to Punish Loitering Teens”

  1. An Evil that dare not speak it’s name…

    Manilow Competition”: EMU Music Department.

    EMU undergrad vocalists and instrumentalists in all styles – classical, jazz, & pop – compete in this scholarship competition funded by pop singer Barry Manilow. EMU Alexander Recital Hall, Lowell at E. Circle Dr., Ypsilanti. Free. 487-2255.

  2. Seamus:

    “I have read about your “X-Day”. You and your jokester friends will be destroyed along with the Turley. End communication.”

    “Stephen Becomes Scientology’s Galactic Overlord
    Stephen is ahead of Xenu in the space station module votes, making him Scientology’s new galactic overlord. (03:53”


    End transmission.

  3. If 666 is the number of the Anti-Christ, would 333 be the number of the Semi-Christ? Would 999 be the number of the Uber-Christ? And what exactly is Christ’s number? I’d like to give Him a call.

    Ahhh, numerology. The astrology of mathematics.

  4. Seamus,

    Sorry, I got you confused with CCD.

    My humble apologies to Xenu; that is until 8880 becomes 888 and the three frogs of the apocalypse (Murray, Bertrum & Stanley) join forces with the savior and do battle with the aforesaid Xenu.

    End transmission.

  5. P.S. I believe you can catch a red eye out of Chicago for the July 5th festival in upstate New York.

    But don’t look for me there; my eyes are red enough.

  6. Dear Bob, Esq.

    I have read about your “X-Day”. You and your jokester friends will be destroyed along with the Turley. End communication.

    p.s. Is there a July 5th celebration in Chicago, and will there be beer?

  7. Slim Whitman’s “Indian Love Call” did the trick in the movie Mars Attack, making their heads explode.

  8. Jill and Buddha

    Brahms can be a bit much sometimes, and I prefer his piano stuff to his orchestral. I’m not a huge fan of Chopin, but listening to someone from Poland play his Mazurkas is a schooling in just how flexible time can be.

  9. I once knew a Horace. He was an overweight, slobbering English bulldog with gas so bad he could clear an entire house. Alas, poor Horace shuffled off this mortal coil and went on to doggy heaven.

    Or did he?

    You two have a lot in common, but the dog was certainly smarter. And a better writer. I’m betting he may have even smelled better, but you certainly match him on slobbering.

  10. “Your little band of worshippers are pretty snippy and asinine”

    When this comes from a man who thinks that the way someone looks on TV is politically relevant… I’m forced to conclude this is either high comedy, or somebody without a dictionary.

  11. I heard on Car Talk where a judge let the miscreant decide between a fine and listening to polka for 4 hours. I think Manilow is worse.

  12. Go away Horace. You’re as inarticulate as a Limbaugh.

    On topic, the New Zealand city of Christchurch seem to be using the same type of noise torture tactics that the U.S. military complex love to bestow on their detainees and war zone citizens.

    Keep up the good work Jon and please ignore the trolls such as Horace the horrible.

  13. Jill,

    Brahms? Perhaps. But I submit for your perusal, Frédéric Chopin. It’s just so . . . frilly.

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