Legal Warming: Police Re-Open Investigation of Sexual Assault By Al Gore

In a surprise move, the Portland Police Bureau has announced that it is re-opening the investigation into the allegations against former Vice President Al Gore. Gore is accused of a sexual assault by a masseuse who described him as a “crazy sex poodle.” Notably, Molly Hagerty, 54, claims that there is DNA evidence and supporting security videotapes.

The alleged assault occurred in 2006 in a Portland hotel, but the masseuse declined at the time to press charges. She alleged that Gore grabbed her hand and insisted on what is commonly known as a “happy ending” to the massage. She says that he forced her to drink Grand Marnier, pinned her to a bed, and forcibly French kissed her.

Smoking Gun reported that she also claims to have forensic evidence, possibly Gore’s bodily fluids on her pants — a striking analogy to Bill Clinton’s encounter with a certain blue dress.

She told police that, before the alleged attack, Gore gave her a “come hither” look. Next to an encounter with an enraged naked Rahm Emanuel in a shower, the idea of a naked Al Gore giving a “come hither” look is one of the world’s most disturbing images.

Source: ABC.

23 thoughts on “Legal Warming: Police Re-Open Investigation of Sexual Assault By Al Gore”

  1. This just doesn’t make any sense. It does not sound like Al Gore at all.

    I can see him forcing her to drink Grand Marnier, groping and French-kissing her (because he loves the French) but unless he held her down and forced her to admit that Global Warming is real then it is hard to believe this is the Al Gore we have come to know.

    This just doesn’t make any sense …

  2. BIL,

    One lives to be of something-er-rather….
    The funny part is that I’ve spent most of the morning listening to Van Zandt, but for whatever reason JTs choice topics has been particularly funky today.

  3. Get the divorce out there before the other news breaks … makes sense … cartoon characters!

  4. Damn, Gyges.

    You’re bound and determined to get me dancing around the office this morning. “Make my funk the P-funk!”

  5. Well that wasn’t the version I thought, here’s a better one. My apologies.


  6. It just seems to be a George Clinton sort of morning doesn’t it…


  7. “She says that he forced her to drink Grand Marnier, pinned her to a bed, and forcibly French kissed her.”


    All but the former can be forgiven. Would a good Armagnac have killed him? On the other hand, you would have had to force that damn orange soda on me too.

    By the way, I don’t believe a word of this complaint absent some objective compelling proof to the contrary. 2006? What was the hold up? Why the interest now? That “inquiring minds want to know” isn’t really good enough. Is it?

  8. No, I think it had something to do with Monroes’ Chest Xray being sold.

    I just can’t imagine Gore doing this, Steven Stegal, well yeah. A cop, a badge, a gun in his pocket (I am sure he cut a hole in his right one), power. What more do you need.

    Now how the hell do you force someone to drink Grand Mariner ?

  9. Someone (I think TPM) published the audio taken from the tapes of a police interview with the complaining witness. I started to listen, and just like the police, I did not find her credible.

  10. crazy



    Now that’s just funny.

    How hard is it for a politician to keep his (or her) pants zipped?

    Apparently it’s close to impossible.

    But then again, can you blame Al if this is true?

    His wife (soon to be ex-) is such a prude don’t forget she’s responsible for your all knowing this phrase “Warning: Explicit Lyrics” because she and a group of like-minded Puritans were suddenly shocked that music is often about sex *and has been since the first drum was struck*. Her and her Parents Music Resource Center goons not only lobbied Congress for record warning labels, they also “advocated” against supposed subliminal backmasking in records, and (incorrectly) accused bands including Iron Maiden, Styx, Rush, Pink Floyd, Van Halen, Kiss and Queen of backmasking to promote Satanism and/or drug use.

    I’d be looking for a “happy ending” too if I was married to that uptight harpy.

  11. Yuk! Almost makes you want to take a pencil and poke out your minds eye.

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