Pat Robertson is back. This time he is revealing how God told him the name of the next president. Robertson, however, is not going to reveal the name. It appears that he is the only viewer on God’s cable punditry channel. Robertson explained “I think He showed me about the next president, but I’m not supposed to talk about that so I’ll leave you in the dark — probably just as well — but I think I know who it’s gonna be.”
While I normally accept every divine channeling brought to me through the body of Pat Robertson, my faith is a bit shaken by the fact that God told Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Perry to run. Indeed, Perry is claiming that it is up to God whether he continues past Iowa. That record may be the reason God has not been able to land a pundit contract on Fox or MSNBC. Indeed, Robertson himself was spiritually directed to run in 1988.
By the way, Robertson also eliminated a few disasters for his favorite and recurring theme: our imminent destruction. It turns out the cause is a president who does not reflect the majority’s views. God is not only vengeful but topical.
Here is what God said (and apparently allowed Robertson to release to the public). It turns out that God sounds a lot like Sean Hannity with a slightly deeper voice:
“Your country will be torn apart by internal stress. A house divided cannot stand. Your president holds a radical view of the direction of your country which is at odds with the majority. Expect chaos and paralysis. Your president holds a view which is at the odds with the majority — it’s a radical view of the future of this country, and so that’s why we’re having this division. This is a spiritual battle which can only be won by overwhelming prayer. The future of the world is at stake because if America falls, there’s no longer a strong champion of freedom and a champion of the oppressed of the world. There must be an urgent call to prayer.”
The message could not be more clear or more divine: defeat Obama or burn in the flames of apocalyptic anger.
36 thoughts on “Caucusing With God: Pat Robertson Reveals God Told Him The Name Of The Next President . . . But He Is Not Talking”
I would like to play cards with God but I am afraid he will pull an ass out of his huge sleeve with the name Pat Robertson on it.
He hired a workman to repair the fence.How are things going? I have a good idea!He is commonly supposed to be foolish.My parents want me to go abroad.I take it you don’t agreeI take it you don’t agreeThe sweater is of good quality.Who told you that? This company is our regular customer.
Just in from the Hillbilly Report. Pat Robertson Gets A Message…
Country music singer Charlie Daniels wrote a song several years ago about televangelists. The lyric goes:
God talked to me too. He loves me and He needs money. He’s all powerful and all knowing—-just can’t handle money.
My Favorite portion has to be at the 1:50 to 2:23 where he tells god to pick one of his choices. And pat then demands “what is it” so god tells him.
Religious or not you must be a mighty man to demand from god.
pat, it’s the lord, check you tire pressure
sam talks about pat robertson at 2:20
As I recall most kids talk to invisible friends at some time or another but if it goes on too long parents are supposed to mention it to their Pediatrician. Who would have suspected that so many people rising to positions of power and influence would have had such unobservant or uncaring parents? It does explain a lot though 🙂
Mike, I had not thought of Douglas Adams, but could see him as a Gary Larson character.
tomdarch, briliant! I have missed your comments.
“Cosmic on such an epic scale that his jokehood can only be measured in parsecs.”
Can’t you see him as a character in a Douglas Adams novel?
To this very day, I can still not look at, nor listen to
George W. Bush…
Bud, I to want to thank you for your listing the commentary about Pres Bush…I have been so unhappy with Pres Obama I forgot until I read the piece what a really bad President can look and sound like…Makes Obama seem positively a Great President next to num nuts…
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