Attorney General Eric Holder Announces Justice Department Will Not Investigate War Crimes Due to Prosecutorial Misconduct

holderericIn a major decision, Attorney General Eric Holder has announced that he has found that the Justice Department has acted improperly in barring any criminal investigation of well-documented war crimes committed by the Bush Administration in the torture program. To punish the failure of the Department to act in a timely fashion, he has announced that no criminal charges will be pursued regarding torture to teach prosecutors a lesson that “justice delayed is justice denied.”

On April 1, 2009, Holder held a press conference in which he was angry over the failure over Acting Associate Attorney General Daniel Marcus and Lanny Breuer, head of the Criminal Division, to even investigate the commission of war crimes despite a public record of the crime.

“I am simply perplexed by what these prosecutors were waiting for. These are crimes committed and discussed virtually in front of the Justice Department building. The International Red Cross found that this was torture. Bush officials admitted that it was torture. Interrogators said it was torture. Both the President and I have said waterboarding is torture. Well, folks, torture is not just a crime, it is a well-defined war crime. Now, we have Spain investigating crimes that we failed to investigate. The failure of Messrs. Marcus and Breuer to act shows the very type of political pressure that corrupted the Justice Department under my predecessors.”

Holder announced that he will now let Spain enforce these laws to teach prosecutors a lesson — much as he did with the Stevens case. Holder noted “I’m no fool. I promised the Senate that I would no longer engage in political acts like those I was accused of committing while a member of the Clinton Administration. The failure of these officials to act in the face of confirmed crimes is intolerable and makes me look like a political hack.” In a bow to the Spaniards, Holder noted that “the fact is that the Spanish legal system is much older than the United States and they have had more experience dealing with waterboarding since the Inquisition and war crimes since the Spanish Civil War.”

Holder indicated that his policy of punishing the Justice Department by barring investigations or prosecutions against criminals will be a continuing tool for discipline of his administration. Holder noted that it is sometimes necessary to “do good by doing nothing” and that he will not hesitate to punish his department in a similar fashion in the future in these highly politicized cases. “I am not some April Fool,” he insisted, “despite the views of many.”

For a full explanation of this story, click here.

BTW, Happy April Fool’s day, everyone.

55 thoughts on “Attorney General Eric Holder Announces Justice Department Will Not Investigate War Crimes Due to Prosecutorial Misconduct”

  1. rofl

    I’m glad I read the date of the post. Nice shot, JT!

    And mespo’s observation about the ease of belief of such a statement from Holder is all to sad but true.

    War crimes trials become more imperative every day.

  2. WPF:

    I think it was a fine April fools joke and I knew it to be so right off the bat.

    I think he did it for the conservative members of the blog as a gesture of good will.

    Although I think Bush should be tried for more than just war crimes, how about ruining the economy and his insistence on bringing “democracy” to the mid east. Now those are 2 things I could get on board with.

  3. When this was originally posted all one had to do was click “here” to get the full story which immediately showed it was an April’s Fool Prank. I tend to do that with all posts by JT, not because I don’t trust him, but because he is writing a summary based on his sense of the case. For clarity’s sake and to gain perspective it is always better to get the full story (though in these days of journalistic nadir that is sometimes difficult) and because part of JT’s charm is his droll sense of humor and irony.

  4. I’m with those who are more than a little peeved that a matter THIS important is fodder for an April Fool’s joke.

    Shame on you, JT.

  5. Mr. Murawski, your opinions, while forcefully stated, appear a tad conclusory. Perhaps you could fill in some gaps. For example, what in the world are you talking about?

  6. Good stuff on the prank. My heart sank when I read the “news”.

    Rafflaw, if Powell approved of this sort of stuff he did indeed violate International Law. I think he is easing us into his violation on shows like Maddow’s because, perhaps, he wants to roll on his associates in exchange for a lenient sentence. I’ve heard of “turning state’s”. Perhaps Powell is “turning international’s”?

  7. Turley,
    You got me here for a moment. This is a good one. Happy April Fool’s day to you too.

  8. A life time of serving your country well – Colin Powell. I agree.
    Lied to every leader in the world, and every American in the country, at the United Nations – I agree.

  9. Ping,
    You may want to check your calendar. The Stevens prosecution was during the Bush regime. It is the Obama Justice Department that is admitting that the Bush people broke the rules. Of course, I shouldn’t expect a troll to worry about the facts!

  10. LOL! Same old same old.

    Slander a man (Collin Powell) who devoted his life to serving the country.

    YOU SICK BASTARD LIBERALS have no shame.

    PUCK YOU ALL…..!!!!!

  11. Yeah, and lord knows we should believe Colin Powell. After all, he saw weapons of mass destruction when no one else could …except maybe Bush.

  12. WOW!

    Collin Powell on Rachael Maddow tonight pretty well blew all the torture accusations right back in her face!

    Among other revelations, Powell indicated meetings he attended were 1) documented and 2) all in a format that ensured no violations of law occurred.


    You could just see Rachael’s face drop and hear her cry out for (overweight) boy hero Jon Turley!

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